Please don't take this title as I'm just here to rag on black people. I'm talking to the Jersey Shore kids, the gangsta wangstas, the Asian kids, and the white trash. I'm going piss off a ton of people and I'm fully ok with this.
This morning I woke up not able to sleep. I took the last two nights off of work to try and get rid of an ongoing master of all annoying headaches. It would help if I could sleep past 4 am. So maybe I'm a little cranky. Maybe the headcold is really melting my brain into a sticky mess of goo. Maybe I'm hitting a topic that I just dont understand but hey I'm actually saying something about it rather than ignoring it.
I just watched World of Jenks: life of a rap star.
That was redonculous. I kept watching Maino and thinking, dude you're a father? "Yo I'm from da hood man. I got cut like a foo in jail dawg. I gots two bitches AT LEAST every night dawg. We drank and we pahty till I'm like what." Wow great representation of who you are there buddy. And then he literally chokes Jenks when Jenks says "You have a following you have kids you're a representation and all you do is drink and stick your middle finger up in the air. This is your life." The bodyguard was pulling Maino off of him saying "Let him live. Let this guy live." WHAT?!?!
This is why I hate steryotypes. In order to "represent" your race you have to be a moron.
Black people (and yes I say black people, your skin is considered black. mine is white. pale white to be exact. you can call me white face for all I care, call me cracker i really don't mind) you're all from the ghetto even if you're from DENVER COLORADO (real ghetto man, real ghetto). You gotta be hard. You gotta love rap. You gotta step up in someones face and bump your chest to theirs if you're mad. Then you press undying love on 2 out of your eight children because you actually love that baby momma, for now. The rest of them fools need to get off your paycheck or you're gonna stop providin their momma with some crack. You have to hate me because I'm white and assume that I've always had it easy. And you're apparently the only race that can like chicken. Oh and juice thats purple.
Half of the White people, get outcher gun son. Wees gonna shoot some der. Then we gonna drink a ber. *spit* Gotta watch some football, yip.Tell yer woman to make me a sammich then get her pretty little toosh in my bed so I can smack her like a caveman and show her whos daddy because Im the man in this here house. Yip. We's real men whin we tells our women folk whet to doo and waste our tiny paycheck on ber.
Other half of white people, like oh mah gah is that a puppy in your purse? Of course it is! You're a female and don't understand dogs have feet! I have to go to Harvard because my skin color told me so. I'm on anti depressants and crazy because it gets me attention. Go have a problem so I can talk behind your back. Yayyyy I'm such a hypocrite! I believe in Jesus. I've never read the Bible but HE'S SO AWESOME! My pastor told me so. Oh no wait, Elle and Cosmo told me I'm supposed to be athiest now. Gah, I'm such an idiot. Lets get some chinese for dinner.Yayyyy!
Crunkin Mexicans (I have to say that because I actually think Mexicans are the least moronic race out there and there's only a small percentage of them that just need to go jump off a cliff) eh vato, I gots new rimz esse, why don't you steal them and sell them for some new wife beaters and socks that go up to your knees mahn. Tell those bitches to get their @#$#@ on my @#$#@@# so they can have my @#$#@@#@# baby and I can drink our life away. Turn on that music that sounds like polka because I only really listen to reggetone when I'm low ridin in my cchhevy so I can be seen by the ladies mahn. I don't wanna be seen by my babies mama though because she gets all angry and #@$@# when Im creepin on the highschool girls that are the same age as my daughter that we had when I was 13 mahn. I'm gonna bump my ride as loud as I possibly can even though I got a two year old in the backseat who's now deaf and not in a car seat because the car seat makes my ride look like a soccer mom's van. See my grill mahn? See these tats that say R.I.P. to people I don't even know? I saved up for them mahn, good thing I have WIC, Food Stamps, Medicaid, and only had to stab a few bitches. My gangs got me homie. They know how I roll. They're my bandana homies mahn. I'm wearin red and you're wearing blue so I'm gonna have to cut joo (even though blue is a really good color on you. I like how it accentuates your eyes and @#$#$ vato)! Yah I know riight?
Asians, that's right, you keep sticking to yourself. Make the master race. Don't mingle with the rest of us. Theres a club across the street from you but you keep drivin till you find one that says Asians only on the outside. You keep assuming you're better than me and I'll keep assuming you only know about computers and comic books and anime. Make sure you're girlfriends panties are showing because you're Asian and at all times she has to be a slut right? I would say more about you but I'm white and you can't talk to me right? I'm low class right? I'm frugal and don't really care if my clothes are name brand so I'm a lepper right? How dare you say you enjoy eating a taco! You can't be seen at Taco Bell! That place is dirty!... Stick to your own, you're good at that.
Jersey kids, I would talk to you now but you're still at the club or on the phone. Get back to me when you're done keeping the STD pool flowing. They don't have a cream for that one but I heard if you bang enough people and enough people have it no one will notice anymore. No I'm not talking to the females, they can't understand words over 4 letters. But you guys, here's what you do. You find a woman, you tell her she's beautiful and THE ONE and then you do what you want with her, make her feel pathetic, and get her a cab home before your next slut shows up. That makes you a real man. But don't tell mama. She still thinks you're an angel. But papa, ehhhhhh, he's proud of his little manwhore. Show uncle Vinny (who's name is actually Eric) some love when you pick up your sister and tell her to stay away from men like you and hate on all her boyfriends because THEY'RE JUST LIKE YOU. Thanks for being on TV and making everyone associated with you look like a fool. I bet your family is real proud of you.
Is everyone ok with what I just said? Or are you offended? I am too. But no one really seems to be talking out about it. I'm going to make my own race. We're going to be known as losers because we don't fit into a steryotype but I promise you it will keep you out of jail. It will also keep your parents happy and not make your children ashamed of you. It will keep your marriages happy, keep your friends from talking behind your back, and keep you from killing yourself by the age of 30. I'm going to call it the Individuals race.
In the Individuals race we dont require you to cuss or wave your middle finger to the beat of the radio. We don't require you to demoralize women. In fact we're probably the only safe race for you if you're a woman. We don't require you to wake up in front of a toilet completely wasted to be cool. We like your liver. You don't have to be afraid to walk in our house even if our skin colors arent the same shade. We absolutely have no problem with you keeping your genital area to yourself. It's yours, take care of it. If you don't make a million dollars a month we will not kick you out of our race. I won't make you drink out of my shoe to show me respect. If you want to drink out of my shoe, I'm not sure I'm ok with it but hey, that's how you roll. Oh and please leave your guns outside of my house. There's no der in here and I'm sure none of the Jets or the Sharks will be snapping a sing song rivalry tune in my house.
We do have some requests though. Don't be an asshole. It's not cool man and as an adult you should know that by now. Be respectful of others. You're not the only one walking around here. Share, stupid head! Don't lie about where you're from or how hard you are. Your life makes you unique and not everyone looks good with fake monkies on their back or imaginary thorns in their side. Use your brain. It's the thing between your ears that generally tells you right from wrong or when you're being STUPID. Don't listen to people when they tell you you have to do this or do that becuase of your skin color or family background. They're not attached to you, they don't own you, they can't live for you. Stop going at it like monkies. Sex makes babies, they're YOUR responsibility. If you can't take care of the baby, put the penis down and back away from it.
And if you don't like any of these rules heres the ONLY rule you have to follow to be in the individuals race.
BE YOURSELF.
There's no one like you. Be unique. Clones are bad, didn't you watch Star Wars?
We're not from the ghetto. My parents aren't divorced. In fact I rarely ever saw them fight in front of me so call me sheltered if you want. I even went to private school. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. But I think we all have something in common. We're all human. We all have to live in a scummy world. Some have it harder, I know, but no ammount of pain gives you the right to be a butt nugget. No childhood memory gives you the right to act like an idiot and make things harder for the next generation. How about I apologize to you and say it sucks that you had to go through that and I'm here for you if you want to talk about it. I'll even give you a hug and get you some ice cream. Every race loves ice cream. It's like happiness for the tongue. I will never be Laura from the Bronx. Jenny can keep the bronx. I'm Laura from life. We're all experiencing it. I'm not black so I don't understand but you're not black either, you're you. I don't wanna hear the racial excuses anymore. Tell me more about you and a ton less about your race. It doesn't make you what you are. So if I have not been a bitch to you, please don't be a bitch to me. I'm a nice person. I swear I am. Can we please get along?
My kids are up now.
Jonathan likes sports and acting. He's very into video games. Someday he wants to drive race cars and be a scientist. He love chicken and grape juice but he's not black, sorry.
Cole is a lover. He sees a person with a problem and stays by their side until they're better. He likes to tell jokes. Sometimes he can be a bit overdramatic but he's back to being his goofy loveable self within seconds.
I hope they stay themselves forever.
The first person to tell them there's a box they have to live in because of their skin color, gender, or family, IMMA CUT JOO FOO!
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