I would miss my dad

I've been laying in bed not able to sleep... again. NO MORE CEREAL BEFORE BED!
Anyways my never ending thought process keeps going back to the same thing, I don't want to lose my dad.
No I'm not trying to be weird or morbid. At work I have a machine partner named James who lost his dad a little over a year ago. He didn't have a huge relationship with his dad for years prior to death but he still chokes up every time he mentions it. We were talking about parents and how we're getting to an age where we really notice our parents are aging also. I might still be really young in my head but life is telling me 27 is only 3 years away from 30 and that's when you're old. (No offense to you old geezers out there.)  And if I'm old my parents are older and your body doesn't do so well the older it gets.
That thought made me want to cry.
A little bit about mine and my dad's past: My dad was only 18 when his dad died of a heart attack. I never met my grandpa and my dad really didn't talk about him that much but considering his job I'd say he was probably in shape.
I can't remember how old I was but I remember watching tv with my dad and he kept going out to the balcony in his and my mom's room. He was really worried and it was like this heaviness in the room that something was happening. He looked at me and said "My chest really hurts." I know I was pretty young because my response was "Think of something that doesn't hurt and you'll feel better." After my dad saw a cardiologist for the first time and we confirmed that my dad had been having small heart attacks it hit me that I was there. I should have called 911 or something. I know I was little but it was one of those moments where you knew something was really happening because I could remember so many details of that night and you know it's something you should be scared of if you just have that feeling.
When my dad had his angioplasty I didn't really understand what was going on. I figured that I loved my dad so I wouldn't lose him. It never entered my mind that people I love could die. It just doesn't happen. It's like you're the main character of a show and only the little insignificant people die off.
I was a little older when my dad had his bipass surgery. I'm not sure how it happened but his heart was struggling so hard to survive that it actually grew a connection from the front of one of the chambers to the back of the heart. I watched them do a video of his heart on a screen and a doctor explained to me the four chambers of your heart. My dad acted like it was the most exciting stuff in the world and I just wanted the hospital stuff to be done with. I was so arrogant and ignorant and every other stupid name in the book. I just wanted to go home and it didn't hit me till way too late in the game that my dad could have died.
When my dad came out of surgery we were able to see him. Durring a bipass they stop your heart so his skin was pale on the sides but he was covered in iodine on top. My dad held up his hand with the "I love you" sign and my mom started crying and said something about my dad being ok, dont worry Tom you're ok, you're not going anywhere. That's when it hit me first. This is real, this is happening, this is not ok, I'm not the main character of a book, he could have been gone, panic panic PANIC. But I didn't. I just stood there. My only thought was he can go home soon, we can go home, this can be done. And within minutes of thinking about home my panic was gone and I was in my ignorant reality where my dad would live forever.
My dad had a problem due to the surgery that kept him in the hospital for a while. I was so sick of walking through the double doors to get to his room, I hated walking back out of them. It was like jail. I wanted to see my dad. I would think about it all day until we pulled up to the hospital. But I wanted to see hime at home. Not there. You're ok at home, you're sick at the hospital. I hated the nurses so much. I hated the male nurse who had the cutsie designs on his uniform who got excited every time my dad got a new chicken noodle soup cup with a balloon attached saying get well soon. How about get well now? How about a card for me that tells me to wake up, get over myself, and realize life is happening. And how about when we get home instead of serving dinner out of those stupid cups we just smash them?
My mom was not my mom that whole time. It's like part of her had died. It wasn't until I met Josh that I really understood that feeling of if something ever happened to the person I love I would die. There's that connection. And I was such a butt to her even though she was so worried about my dad. The more I think about it the more I just want go back in the past and scream at myself to stop being so selfish and self involved.
But that feeling of knowing that life isn't forever really sunk in when I had kids. Now I'm seeing it from my dad's side. He didn't want to be there. He knew I wanted him home. He knew I didn't understand how final death was. And now I do know. But now I know so much that I almost want to be ignorant again. When I watch my husband or kids sleeping I watch for the rising and falling of the covers to make sure they're still sleeping. If it doesn't rise and fall enough for me to be sure I make a noise to halfway wake them up. Sometimes I just wake Josh up. Some days I'll let Josh or the boys sleep in and I'll think they should be up by now and then I start to worry and then I tell myself not to worry but then I get angry at myself and say if I don't check now and they're dead I'll hate myself forever for not being there.
I don't want life to be final. I don't want people to die and never come back. Every time someone dies someone loses someone they love, even if the person who died is a giant jerkface. I fully believe in Heaven but when I get to Heaven I won't know who my family or friends were. They'll just be faces in Heaven. I want to know them like I know them now and make memories, not remember memories. Death is too final for me.
I wish I would have thought all those times that I could have lost my dad. I wish I could take back every mean word and every action I've ever done to lose his trust. I wish I would have hugged him more as a kid. I wish I would have told him thank you every time he took me to Prescott with him on business. I know I still have time with him but I'm not a kid anymore. I'm married now. He's not the main man in my life. I really took him for granted.
Right now I'm on the phone with him. Halfway through all this I decided to call him and let him know I'm not ignoring him, I'm just homesick. I need to remember that there's going to be a day that I remember all this and I'm going to want to call him and just hear his voice but he won't be there.
I know this is all rambling this morning but I can't get this out of my head.
No more convos with James about parents dieing. I'll deal with it when it happens. Hopefully it wont be for years and years and hundreds of years.
But to anyone out there who's reading this who has lost a parent, I dont know what you're going through because thankfully it hasn't happened to me. But I know what being terrified of it feels like. I'm here for anyone that just wants to talk about how awesome their parents were...
And I'm here to kick some sense into your kids if they're taking you for granted.
I love my mom and dad.
I love my Josh.
I love my kids.
Thank you God so much for the second chances you've blessed me with. I get it now.